Blog Post

It's been quite a while since I last made a blog post. I've been on and off about it, and to be honest it's mostly because a lot of my words failed whenever I would try to get my feelings across.

I've mentioned before that I wanted to use this blog a lot more like a journal. Historically I've always founds myself using my pen and paper journals when I'm in particularly low points of my life. Maybe this is gonna be the same? It's a bit depressing thinking about how much of a downer my blog might be to read though. Even if I know this meant to be my blog, if anyone stopped by, I'd want them to at least not have a bad time!

I guess we can't avoid the front end of this, though. Might as well talk about what's been weighing me down lately.

I lost my job around the end of last year. Suffice to say it was a bit sad to end the year on unemployement. Since then, I've been struggling to find a job—both remote and in-person work—but I've gotten zilch. At the moment though, I'm waiting for one last job offer from my alma mater university. My friend also tried applying there before she got the job she has now, said it took the uni about two months to get back to her. I myself am quite familiar with how slow the admin processes are. To be honest though, I almost wish she didn't tell me because now I feel like my goalpost of waiting just got pushed back even more. Especially because its a job that I'd love to have in particular.

I had quite the revelation about the job as well. Before I sent my application to HR, I touched base with my former department's chair (who I got the chance to work with as well as a student) and in her original email reply said that I was overqualified for the position, even. Later, when I got the chance to talk to her in person, I'd asked if she received word from the uni's HR about applicants. She said she didn't, and actually expounded on what she meant about how I was "overqualified". Put simply, the job is pretty simple—too simple, even. It's just an admin assistant job. An important cog in the bureaucratic system, but a cog nonetheless. From the time she got to work with me as a student, she said she'd love if I went for something that was more up to par with my skillset, both as a Creative Writing major and someone in an admin position for one of the student organizations. I could go into theater more or be a project manager if I wanted to be. I just had the distinct feeling she wanted me to maximize the potential I have and not just get a shitty day job with pretty meager pay.

I didn't have the heart to really tell her that I tried and failed right there.

I've tried my hand at any number of publishing and content writing job listings, all to no avail. I think my credentials just aren't good enough to compete with others who have been going at it for way longer. That being said too, the biggest let-down I've had for myself is finding work in theater.

To set the stage (pun intended) I need to explain how the theater circuit works where I live. There's essentially three enclaves of theater: mainstream theater, student theater, and recently, what I want to call indie theater.

Mainstream Theater: This is theater done by the main theater companies of the country. These companies are demarcated by their membership to Philstage, which is an alliance of Philippine theater companies. Being a Philstage member also means being eligible to the highest industry award in the Philippines for theater: the Gawad Buhay. As far as prestige goes for the local scene, it's comparable to a Tony award. The mainstream theater enclave is home to the largest shows of the year, whether these are musicals or straight plays.
Student Theater: This is theater done by students, however the most prominent of these entities are collegiate theater organizations: Tanghalang Ateneo, Harlequin, Dulaang UP, and so on. This is the most comparable to community theater in terms of scale and formality. Student theater is often seen as the breeding ground for new talent to rise up to Mainstream Theater. If one was notable during their college years, then they could be tapped or picked up for mainstream theater gigs as well. Alumni are also an active part in many student theater productions.
Indie Theater: This is theater done by burgeoning theater companies, of which many have sprung up in recent years. Mad Child Productions, Scene Change, CAST PH are some of the companies under this enclave, to name a few. Independent theater companies run in the middle of student and mainstream theater. Their founders and practitioners go back and forth between mainstream and student theater, while carving their own identity in the theater circuit.

And those are the the three theater enclaves in the Philippines. As large as it may seem, the key part in its participation is actually networking and presence. When it comes to student theater, very rarely is it open to the public outside of the university, or even other theater org members in the university. This is especially true for the more artistic endeavors. Members of the artistic team are often from the director's own personal circle, if not, then by the Artistic Director or Moderator of the org. It doesn't help that I want to do—dramaturgy and playwriting—often demand a certain pedigree in your work for you to stand out to someone that they might want for their production. As a student, the bulk of what I did was in technical theater, and when I realized there wasn't any growth that I could attain (due more to my own personal limits), I found myself shooting my shot at becoming a writer and dramaturg. That isn't to say I didn't get chances to do those things, but compared to the others in the scene, I know my resumé fails in comparison, to say the least.

My last outing in theater as of writing was becoming the dramaturg for a thesis production. It was a great experience, and I'm happy to have it as part of my resumé. That being said, it was really a position I had to ask for, and I felt like I had to lowball myself by offering to be the dramaturg for free. To me, the unfortunate reality is that despite what potential I have, it's obfuscated by my lack of work experience actually doing dramaturgy or playwriting. What really spelled this out, at least to me, was when I tried applying as a dramaturg to a nearing theater festival, the Virgin Labfest by Tanghalang Pilipino and the Cultural Center of the Philippines. It's a yearly festival that's meant to showcase new plays (hence the Virgin part).

I didn't get in.

To be honest, I feel bad not thanking the officer I sent my application to, still. I'd have wanted to leave a nice impression, at least. Though each time I open the email to reply, I find myself failing.

I told myself that there's one last shot. Last February, I sent one of my plays to the same festival, and should it be selected, will be staged next year (2026). If I don't get in, I'm taking it as a sign from the Muses that theater and I aren't meant to be. And yet, each time I think about that, I feel my heart sink further and further. I was determined to be doing theater for the rest of myself, and here I am, stumbling right after college. I don't blame any of the colleagues or connections I've made to think that I'm not as good enough for projects they have in mind. Everyone I've worked with that're doing their own thing in the theater circuit are doing incredible work. I just thought I'd have the chance to work with them, really.

Right now, I have two things waiting for me as far as theater goes. I volunteered to be the stage manager for a staged reading. It's a reading done by the Playwriting and Theater Arts seniors of my former department. The other thing was that I was tapped by a friend to be part of a closed reading for a different play; they said they'd want to have my input as a trans woman and my dramaturgical lens on it. After those, I'll just be waiting until the end of June, when the result of the 2026 Virgin Labfest are announced. After that, I'll decide on continuing this path. If I don't, that'd also mean giving up my dreams of becoming a theater professor in my alma mater too. Being a professor in my former uni means having a Masters Degree, and with my resumé, I don't think I've got the chops to even be considered yet for the only Masters Program in theater arts in the country. I don't think I can take up any international scholarships either. I imagine those are much more competitive on account of being, well, international. I guess that'd mean the boring desk job for as long as I can see. Oh well.

With all that being said, my life hasn't been that bad. I have a new boyfriend now, who I love dearly. It's a shame then that he's all the way in Singapore, and we likely won't see each other for at least a year or two. It hurts not being by his side, especially when I want to help him with his chronic pain. We've already talked about possible plans of our future where I get to be the domestic housewife to him. I wouldn't mind.

The next blog post I'll be talking about everything great that I enjoy recently. It'll definitely be connected to everything I said above, though. That's only because I can see it becoming the life I lead if theater really doesn't work out.